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Two lawyers were standing on Wall Street and a beautiful woman walked by. One lawyer turned to his colleague and said, "Man, I would like to screw her". His colleague asked, "Out of what"? I prefer a female lawyer. Since I am straight it feels more natural when I get screwed. Lantz 2010 |
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restaurant in Washington for their anniversary. A complimentary bottle of champagne arrived at their table shortly after the skinny hostess seated them. Bob and Louise started guzzling down the free champagne thinking they can not afford this fancy restaurant. Some guy in a tuxedo walked up to their table and announced, "My name is Olaf! I will be your waiter. We are serving some excellent dishes tonight. We have the Petite Librarian if you are not very hungry or watching your weight, for $26.95. We have the Dallas Cheerleader, a very hot dish, for $32.50. We have the Skewed Mexican if you feel like going south of the border, |
for $28.00. For the budget minded, since there are so many of them, we have the Unemployed Citizen, for $21.50. And our renowned speciality, the Politician, is on sale tonight, for $183.64". Bob drank another glass of champagne and asked, "On today's specials, why is the Politician so damn expensive"? Olaf hissed, clicked his heels together and went into a rage, "BOB! BOB! MY GOD BOB! HAVE YOU EVER TRIED TO CLEAN A POLITICIAN"? Lantz 2010 |
| We lost our freedom the day we started pumping our own gas. Take back America! Lantz |
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We are going to give seniors an Economic Stimulus Payment. This is a very exciting program and this is how it works. Q. What is a Senior Citizen Economic Stimulus Payment? A. This is money the federal government will send to taxpayers. Q. Where will the federal government get this money? A. From taxpayers. Q. So the government is giving back my own money? A. Only a smidgen. Q. What is the purpose of this payment? A. The plan is for you to blow the money on a high-definition TV, thus stimulating the economy. Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of Asia? A. Shut up or you don't get the money! Below are some helpful hints on how to best help the U.S. economy by spending your stimulus check wisely: If you spend the stimulus money at Walmart, your money will go to China. If you spend the stimulus money on gas, your money will go to Saudi Arabia. If you spend the stimulus money on a computer, your money will go to India. If you spend the stimulus money on fruit and vegetables, your money will go to Mexico, Honduras or Guatemala. If you spend the stimulus money on a car, your money will go to Japan, Korea, Germany, etc., etc. If you spend the stimulus money on useless plastic stuff, your money will go to Taiwan. If you spend the stimulus money on paying off a credit card, your money will pay BIG bank CEO bonuses that will be hidden in offshore accounts. OR, you could keep the money in America by doing the following: Spend your stimulus money at garage sales. Spend your stimulus money at a ball game. Spend your stimulus money hiring a prostitute. Spend your stimulus money on cheap domestic beer. Spend your stimulus money on tattoos. Footnote: Garage sales, sport franchises, prostitution, cheap beer and tattoo parlors are the only successful American owned businesses still operating in the U.S. Conclusion: The best way to stimulate the economy is to go to a ball game with a prostitute that you met at a garage sale and drink cheap beer all day until you get drunk enough to get a tattoo. (Thanks Darlene) (Adapted, Lantz 2010) |
