LANTZBYTES - BYTES 5

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Bytes 5

THE VIBRATOR

As Martha passed her daughter's

bedroom

she heard a strange

buzzing noise.

She opened the

door

door and caught

Rita with a vibrator.

Martha asked,

What

on earth are

you doing"? Rita

replied, "Jesus

mom, I am thirty-five and this is the

closest I will ever come to having a

husband. Now go away and leave

me alone"!

The next day Rita's dad heard a

strange

buzzing noise coming from

the laundry room. He opened the

laundry room door and caught

Rita with a vibrator. Jake asked,

"What on

earth are you doing"? Rita

replied,

"Jesus

dad,

I am thirty-five and

this is the closest I will

ever come to having a

husband. Now

go away

and leave me alone"!

The next day Martha came home from

grocery shopping and as she was putting

away

the groceries she heard that strange buzzing noise coming from the living

room! Outraged she storming

into the living room to confront Rita and found Jake

on the couch watching a football

game, with that damn vibrator sitting next to him

buzzing like crazy. Martha said, "What

on earth are you doing"?

Jake replied, "Oh calm down

Martha, I'm watching the game with my

son-in-law".

(Thanks Dave) (Adapted, Lantz 2010)

BYTES 5 TO BYTES 6

CHEESEBURGER IN PARADISE

old farmer goes on vacation to Florida and he walked in a bar on

the

beach for some lunch. He noticed the

lunch

daily specials sign on the wall:

Cheeseburger $6.50

Hamburger $5.50

Chicken Sandwich $6.50

- Hand

Job $19.95

The old farmer checked his wallet to see if he had enough cash,

then

walked

up to the

young

sexy girl tending bar and asked, "Are you the young

lady that

does

the hand jobs?"

The young sexy bartender smiled, purr

ed, shook her cute little butt, leaned

over the bar to show off the best boobs money can buy

and

answered, "I

sure am".

The old farmer

just stood there for a minute, adjusted his free baseball cap

from the corn elevator back home and

said, "Well darlin' please wash your

hands real good cau

want a cheeseburger

(Thanks M&M) (

Adapted, Lantz 2010

)

ON MARRIAGE

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. Socrates

First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel"! Second guy: "You're lucky, mine is still alive". Jimmy Kimmel

You may marry the man of your dreams, ladies, but fourteen years later you're married to a couch that burps. Rosanne

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution yet. Mae West

Many a man in love with a dimple makes the mistake of marring the whole girl. Stephen Leacock

Marriage is too interesting an experiment to be tried only once. Eva Gabor

My husband and I didn't sign a prenuptial agreement. We signed a mutual suicide pact. Rosanne

Beauty is a quality, not a form; a content, not an arrangement. Irving Howe

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classified

: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same

thing: "You can have mine." Brad Pitt

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. Barrack Obama

I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. Rita Rudner

I've had a black eye that lasted longer than my second marriage. Reverend Claude Gunther

First there's the promise ring, then the engagement ring, then the wedding ring, soon after, comes suffer...ing! Jay Leno

Good marriages are made in heaven....or some such place. Dr. Zhivago

(Thanks RWF and Others)