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You were born in Florida, but you ain't sure what state your twin was born in. Your "huntin' dawg" cost more than your truck. Your back goes out more than you do. You own one pair of socks, for bowling. You dread love bug, tourist and snowbird season like the plague. You have never owned an umbrella. Umbrellas are for "damn Yankees" and sissies. You know a good parking space at Walmart has nothing to do with distance from the store, but everything to do with shade. Your winter coat is denim. You think anything under 70 degrees is downright cold. In 2004-2005 every other house in your neighborhood had a blue tarp roof. "Down South" means Key West and you refer to Miami as "Northern Cuba." You get paid on Friday, get drunk, wake up under a total strangers palm tree and the first thing out of your mouth is, "Where are my flip-flops?" Your X-Wife is now your mother-in-law. You know the difference between fire ant, "no-see-em" and mosquito bites. Anything under a Category 3 Hurricane is not worth waking up for. You have six bathing suits, and one sweatshirt. You go on vacation and end up on probation. You know no other grocery store can compare to Publix. You have six pairs of flip-flops. You have one pair of shoes for funerals, divorce court and church. Although the truth be know, you have worn flip-flops to church. Your idea of a mountain is a hill ten feet above sea level. You understand why it is better to have a friend with a boat, than to have a boat yourself. You have worn shorts and used the air conditioning on Christmas and New Years. You learned how to swim before you learned how to walk. You can pronounce Okeechobee, Thonotosassa, Kissimmee and Micanopy. You are younger than thirty, but most of your friends are over sixty-five. A six foot alligator in your yard ain't no big deal. You know there are four seasons in Florida: love bug season, Hurricane season, snow bird season and summer. You have been thrown in jail for punching out a tourist feeding seagulls on the beach. You know that getting out of Florida alive, more often than not, ain't part of the game. Lantz Thanks Dave (adapted) |
| I reside in Florida, but when I want to live I head to New York City. Lantz |